Parents that shouldnt be parents

I am a mother of 3 kids! One of them a 13 year old boy that I have raised since he was 3 years old because his mom is pathetic. And thats putting it nicely.

She does absolutely nothing for him! But yet she tells everyone that she does and that she gets him whatever he wants/needs in an instant no questions asked. Bitch Please! You have done NOTHING and I hate that you try to take all the credit for MY hard work! She hardly NEVER calls to talk to him. The last time we heard from her was at the begining of May when she was having her new baby (btw: the baby daddy left her before the baby was even born...that says somethin...)and she started cussing out Larry...and then told him that none of us (including Branden) are allowed to see her family EVER. Which means Branden wouldnt be seeing his grandparents. Immature eh?

She doesnt pay child support, she doesnt buy him clothes, pay his doctor bills, etc. Thats ALL me baby!

So I have been nosey of her profile on facebook! (Childish I know) but I just saw a picture of a new tattoo she got done.

Her new baby boys foot print and his name all large and incharge on her forearm. And she made a comment about how he was the love of her life and her life is dedicated to him yada yada. And she got the tattoo done a few blocks from our house and she lives clllleaaaar on the otherside of town....but yet she couldnt call or ask to see Branden so Branden could see his little brother.

You may be wondering if she has a tattoo of Branden's name....and she does.

All small and tiny on the back of her neck at the base of her hairline which is always covered by her long hair....

She makes me litterly sick. I dont understand how parents, esepcially a MOTHER can just leave their child all high and dry!

Thats ok though, her loss is my gain, and that bitch can piss off for all I care!

Exhausted!

For being my first day back to work, I am POOPED!

I have been waiting tables for like 7 years now, you'd think that this would be 2nd nature to me! But Holy Shit Peeps, today kicked my ass! My feet are KILLING ME! And im not gonna lie! Im a fatty and my thighs are chunky and when you add that to nylons, I got chub rub like a mo-fo and its on FI-AH! Burn baby burn! So didnt miss wearing nylons and a dress!

I want my mutha effin pants back! Hurry up and change the damn uniforms already you slow ass bitches!

But on the up-side, it was SOOO nice to have MONEY again!

Green paper with dead Presidents faces, Oh How I Have Missed You!

Ugh!!

I am not really thrilled! I go back to work tomorrow from maternity leave! I am sad! One because I have to leave Vanessa for 5 hours and two because I absolutely hate the place that I work at! A LOT! I applied for places like crazy the past 2 months and no one called me! I did NOT want to have to go back there, but I guess I dont have a choice! Its better than being jobless i suppose! Irritating!

Save my sanity! I wish I could make money from home!!

Help a Sista out!

So, I see all these blogs that get products to test and are able to host giveaways and people that make money from their blogs...
Anyone wanna tell me how to do it? I realize its like asking someone the secrets to their business so if no one wants to devulge the info, I'll understand, but if your willing I'd appreciate it. Right now, anything helps!

If you dont wanna leave the info in a comment, then please feel free to email me! :)

Mommyhood Memo

You know your life has changed when....

                   you can successfully wash a kitchen full of dishes by hand, while wearing your infant....AND you feel super accomplished about it!

Link up your own one-lined Mommyhood Memo

Love

I love you are just words... but with actions of being the bigger person and standing by the one you love thru everything.. No matter what they say.. Where they go.. Or what they do Is really what love is.. Looking at the bigger picture and realize that love has no I'm sorry or your wrong.. Love is Just forgiveness.. And with that forgiveness comes happiness.

2 Months Old

My Sweet Baby Vanessa,

Today you are 2 months old! It makes me sad that this time is already flying by! You are getting so big already! I wish you could stay tiny for a bit longer!

You are learning to hold your head up better and smiling when someone smiles at you. Although it takes a bit to get those smiles out of you...you like to give them to daddy the most! You are still a very fussy and gassy baby which makes for a very frustrated mommy! I get so upset sometimes when you cry so much that I have to lay you down and walk away because I am getting so annoyed! And then I feel so horrible for feeling that way that I go back and scoop you up and tell you it will all be ok! Sometimes you just need cuddles to feel better but most times you still scream. I hope your doctor visit on wednesday will help us figure out how to make you feel better.

You have rolled over a couple times to your tummy, but nothing consistant yet. And you really like sleeping on your belly and sometimes I just let you, even though I am not supposed to, because you get good rest that way. Otherwise you only sleep for 15 minutes at a time. Except at night, you sleep pretty well at night. Going to sleep at 10pm and waking at 4 for a quick snack, and then not again till 7 or 8! This makes for a happy mommy! I can also tell that you are trying to coo! I see you moving your lips and your tounge when I am talking to you like you are trying to talk back. Every once in awhile you make a little noise but not often. I cant wait to hear you babbling all the time.

Your favorite place to sit is in your bouncy seat. When I put you in there, your little legs just start kicking. I always tell you that you are riding your bike because you move your legs in that motion! Its cute! You love to stare at the pictures of your brother & sister on the wall! You stare at them all the time. Its very cute to see!

Sweet baby! Im so thankful you are here and I regret spending so much of my pregnancy with you being angry that you where in my belly! But I wouldnt change you being here for anything in the world!

Mama loves you!

Who wants to be a pal?

So I am like super jealous of all the peeps that have a fancy schmancy "button" so to speak to use for people to snag or use on the linkys that use graphics.

And I am not graphicly inclined. Well i am, but I had to wipe out my computer, and dont have a software on this computer. And my laptop, I have photoshop, but have NO CLUE how to use it LOL

So I am asking if anyone would be willing to make me a button! :) And I'll give you bragging rights and all! I'll even post your button to my blog forever! :)

I'd love ya forever & ever!

BTW: I know its been a week since I posted anything, but we had some crazy storms for 2 days and I've been busy running all over the place!

Its his birthday, & I dont wanna say Happy Birthday...

(This is intended to be a Pour Your Heart Out post, but I dont know what day that is supposed to be posted on, so I am doing it to day because I NEED to get this off NOW not later!)



Today is my biological fathers birthday! And up until this past year (right after thanksgiving), I had no clue. To me, July 19th was always just another day. It had no special meaning or anything of the such.

Let me give you a quick run down:

My mom had me when she was 17 years old. My dad was a 21 year old sailor. My mom and him dated, but both of their mothers hated the fact that they where together. Well when my mom had me, he was more interested going out with his friends to strip bars and such. My great grandma lived in Alaska & was sick with breast cancer. My Great Aunt was moving up there to take care of her and wanted my mom to go with. She gave my dad one last chance to see me and do what he should be doing. She set up a time to meet with him and told him if they didnt talk about me and what they where going to do, she was getting on the next plane and leaving...and that would be that.

So they set up a time to meet. My mom went to his house and one of his friends where there with my half brother...My mom asked him where my dad was, and he told my mom that he went to a strip joint with some of the guys from the ship! My mom said ok, well tell him I was here and that we are going to Alaska. And that was that....

While I was growing up I knew that my step-dad was not my dad. He adopted me though so I carry his last name. I always knew there was someone out there that was the other half of me, I just didnt know who he was. I knew his name and that was it. Even if my dad wanted to find me, he wouldnt have been able to because I didnt have the same last name as I did at birth!

When I moved here to Wisconsin, I started my search for him but his name is SO common, that it made it impossible to search! So I kind of gave up! My mom had given me a letter of information she had on him so I had that.

Well when that show "Find My Family" came on, I swore that I was NOT going to watch it! But I did, and I cried through the WHOLE DAMN THING!!! Whenever I see stuff like this, I get really emotional! Not just sad but I get angry too! I always set myself up for rejection for if I ever found him, I wouldnt get hurt. (even though I know I WOULD be hurt) After that show was over, Larry told me to go to the computer, and see how to apply for the show. So I did. I printed out the 13 page application and started filling it out. I got to the part where it asked for siblings. I wrote his sisters name down and thought...hmm, I never searched her name, only his. So I went to facebook and searched her name. And right away a name popped up. So I messeged it and asked if she had a brother by my fathers name. She replied and said yes, and asked how I knew him. I panicked, called my mom, and freaked! I played dumb and messaged her and told her that my mom was looking for her.

The next day, I got a response saying something along the lines of that she knew who my mom was but was wondering why she was looking for her because they hadnt talked in so long. Then like 30 seconds later there was another message saying "OMG she had a child with my brother, so that must mean your my neice!" I started BALLING my eyes out! What I had wanted for so long was right in front of me FINALLY after 10 years of searching and at least 20 years of wondering!

Then he emailed me! Apologizing for never being there and making the choices he made. Saying how I was never out of his mind and how he always wondered where I was and how I was doing. He told me about his life and everything he had been doing. I cried my eyes out. And for once I felt complete!

But, after that moment, I have been scared to form any sort of relationship! To e it seems like he wants to pick up like nothing ever happened and I cant be like that. I get pestered by my mom and Larry that to call or email him. They constantly ask me if I have talked to him.

To be honest I dont WANT to! After all these years of wanting to find him and know him, now that I have him, I dont want to talk. Is that bad? I mean after all he created me....but I just feel like he is a complete stranger and nothing is going to change that. Because after all, to me he IS a stranger.

I cant handle the pressure from everyone though to be all "buddy buddy" with him! It just irritates me. I feel bad that I feel this way because I can feel that he REALLY regrets the choice he made, but I just cant make myself feel different!

Ugh! And today is his birthday....

Mommyhood Memo #2

This is my 2nd Mommyhood Memo, but really its number 10 I guess LOL

You know your life has changed when....

                         You are walking through a store without your infant whom you are breastfeeding, and someone elses child cries, and you have a letdown...leaving you escaping the store quickly because you need a new shirt!

Want to participate in your own Mommyhood Memo? Click the button above for the rules and the linky! :)

Friday Follow

Once again I cant help myself but to partake in this Friday Follow with CB! Because I love me some crazy bitches! :)

So if you wanna be cool like that, then click this button and just DO IT! Cuz we said so dammit!

Blog Bash 2010 - I Got It From My Momma

Today's Blog Bash post is what you got from your Mama! Oh Good Lord where do I begin!

Mainly, I got my looks from my mom! Seriously, we could be twins!!

Actually there are a lot of things I got from my mom! My attitude being the biggest. And my mouth!

But in all seriousness. I love my mom! She is absolutly the greatest! She drives me NUTS sometimes, but whose mom doesnt...I think thats a mommy right!

My mom had me when she was 17 years old. (Got pregnant at 16) She was forced to go to an abortion clinic by my grandma (thanks grams) to have an abortion! But when my mom went there, got up on the table, she just couldnt go through with it. And for that I am forever thankful, because what would this world be like without me.... HA! My beautiful girls wouldnt be here thats for sure! She raised me by herself because my bio-dad chose alcohol and bars with friends over me. (thats another post) She took me to Alaska where she met my step-dad, and we moved to California. (Eventually back to Alaska) But all in all, I think she did a pretty kick ass job! I wasnt the crazy teenager that most parents are scared of having. I went to school, went to work, came home, went to sleep, and did it all over again the next day. I know she is not proud of some things that happend to us when I was a kid, but I could never hold that against her. She is awesome and still continues to be! Even though she lives in Alaska and I am in Wisconsin, there is not a day that we go without talking somehow either on the phone or texting (yeah, i got my mom into texting *fist pump*) She is my reason for being alive and I could never in anyway repay her for that.

I know she will never read this, but Mom, I love you so much and I could never ever show you or tell you in words how much you mean to me! You kick ass! (BTW: Im glad she wont read this cuz I dont swear in front of my momma! It embarasses me! Crazy I know!)

Blog Bash 2010 - Show The Love 7/15/10

As part of this Blog Bash Challenge, Brittany has asked us to "Show The Love" to our fellow bloggers that we have met through the blog bash.

Now I feel kinda bad because I havent had a chance to go through everyone's blogs because my little cry baby has kept me busy! (Yeah, I called my newborn a cry baby--shoot me) But I will get through them, and I will read, and Im sure I will follow some of you!

But 2 people that I have met right before this blog bash started (but are also linked up to the bash) that I adore so much are Brittney @ MommyWood and Cameron @ Ingenue Mom

Why Do I adore these two ladies?

Brittney:
Simple! This chic is JUST like me! Except she says it all better! I am the type of person who will tell you like it is...but only if you piss me off enough to make me snap! She says it all the time and doesnt care. I need balls like her! :) But yet you can see that she has a sweet soft side and is genuine and would help anyone! I also am like that. Its awesome to have people that you dont know, but relate to so well! I cannot wait to learn more about her! Brittney always leaves me comments just when I need them! :)

Cameron:
I wish I could write and like her. But my ADD gets the best of me and makes me scramble everything I want to say. I love reading her posts about being an AP mama (even though I am really not one of those) and I love pictures of her daughter! I strive to be able to write posts like this. And a few times when I havent been feeling so good about being a mom to a newborn---she has left me sweet comments to make me feel better & I thank her for that.

So thanks to both of these girls! They are awesome bloggers & mamas!

And then there is sweet Brittany Ciara that needs some bloggy love! What can I say about this girl. She is adorable and amazingly talented, smart, confident, etc etc. I wish when I was a teenager I had HALF the confidence as her. Instead I was they shy reserved girl! I love that she has so much strength in her faith and is not afraid to show it. Brittany, you are simply amazing and dont ever EVER EVER let anyone beat you down or try to make you something your not. Be True, Be YOU! Because being you is awesome! Much Love To YOU!

God's way of getting me back?

I know that no one that follows my blog knows this! And I didnt blog during my pregnancy like I did with Courtney's but I was absolutely without a doubt livid when I found out I was pregnant! I cried when the positive line popped up on the pregnancy test, I cried when Planned Parenthood told me I was prengnat, and I cried when my doctor did the first ultrasound to determine for sure and how far along I was!

All I kept thinking was OMG this is SOOO not the time for me to get pregnant. I didnt want this! I was on the pill! Larry doesnt have a job and Im just a waitress! I was finally accepting the fact that maybe we just where not going to have anymore kids! I started selling all of the baby stuff I had saved and held onto for so long and NOW I get pregnant. Are you EFFING kidding me!

When the doctor played her heartbeat on the ultrasound machine, I cried. But I didnt know if those where happy tears or sad tears. As I got farther along in my pregnancy, I slowly started to accept it. I mean, what else was I gonna do. Nothing I can change about being pregnant. It is what it is and the u/s tech that did my 3-d ultrasound was the one that made me feel better...."Your pregnant for a reason! There is a reason this little girl is here!" And after that is when I started feeling better about being pregnant and got a little bit excited.

Yes! I am pregnant! And Yes, there is a reason I am, otherwise I wouldnt be.

When Vanessa was born and I would stare at her sleeping in the hospital, I started to feel guilty for being so damn angry. She made it here perfectly despite the little scare that her head wasnt growing like it should at first! (It did catch up!) And she is beautiful.

But now, I wonder if God is punishing me now! Since she is here and healthy, am I getting paid back for feeling so angry about my pregnancy!?

Why am I wondering this? Because Vanessa seriously cries 24/7! And I mean it when I say that. She will fall asleep for about 15 minutes, and wake up screaming. Nothing makes her happy! She cries while nursing, bouncing, being held, in her swing, etc.

It started when she was about 3-4 weeks. I figured she was just going through a growth spurt. But that "growth spurt" never ended! The way she always wanted to eat and how she would act made me think I wasnt producing enough milk, so we got her some formula. That seemed to make things better for a few days, but we are still right at square one. And I just dont know what to do.

I seriously want to pull my hair out! I get soooo frustrated with her that I have to "give up" sometimes and just walk away! Breaks my heart to have to feel like this.

A lot of people are telling me oh she just has colic or maybe she has reflux. I hope its something simple and something that we can "fix" because it makes me sad to hear her cry so much and not know what is wrong.

She is to sweet otherwise. I love her to bits and hate not knowing what to do for her!

Blog Bash 2010 - Let My Life Song Sing To You

I have had a rough life. Seriously! I am not one to talk about it much, but I explain if asked! If people only knew HALF of what I have gone through, you'd prolly crap yourself. It's not pretty and it still isnt, but better than my past and I wouldnt change what I have now for anything.

So my life song is "Welcome To My Life" by Simple Plan! I really dont have to describe it because really, it describes itself!



Here are the lyrics:

"Welcome To My Life"

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding

No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face
And no one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
You never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

Mommyhood Memo

You know your life has changed when... 
                          you wake up at 3am on the dot to feed the baby, because thats when she normally gets up to eat....but the baby is still sleeping!

New Visitors from Blog Bash

Please do not think I am ignoring you because that is not the case. I have been ridiculously busy the past couple days. And I think I have the fussiest newborn on the planet! I will come visit your blogs just please give me some time! :)

Thanks Mucho! :) And thanks for stopping by!

Blog Bash 2010 - Rekindle

As part of the blog bash with Brittany Ciara at Not Your Average Teen, our daily challenge is to "Rekindle" our high school years.

Good Lord, you really want me to think dont you! Thats been 10 years! (Holy Sheep Im old)!!

Let me just start by saying that my elementary and middle school years where completed on an army base in California. When I was in kindergarten they hyped up the whole "being the class of 2000 thing and the last class of the century yada yada" Well I went to school with basically the same people the WHOLE time from Kindergarten to 8th grade! Somewhere when I was in the 7th grade my mom got this while hair up her ass to move back to Alaska. We lived there when I was an infant till I was about 3 years old. Then she met and married my step-dad. From there we moved to California. I remember the exact location we where at when she announced to family that there where plans to move. We where in the food tent at the Armed Forces Day event on the Army base. I was angry instantly. She wanted to move right away, but I begged her to let me finish the 8th grade and graduate with my friends. And after much hissy fits and tantrums (yes I was a teenager having fits) she obliged! Thankfully! So I tried to make my 8th grade year the best because well, I was leaving what I knew behind to start the scary high school with people I didnt know. What kind of mother would do that to their kid!

September of 1996, I started high school in Alaska! I was nervous. as. heck! This high school was huuuuuuge!! 2 stories! and a BAZILLION kids. Nothing like what I was used to in my  little podunk desert town! What the hell where my parents thinking. And how naive was I to believe that this many people didnt reside in Alaska.

The first class I started in was my 3rd hour class because after all the waiting and processing of my registration and waiting on my Cali school to fax records, and placement testing! It felt weird being "the new kid"! I always seen them introduced in front of the class and had to say where they where from and all that jazz, but never in a million years did I think that I would be "the new kid"! Thankfully my teacher didnt make me do all that stuff he just pointed to an empty desk in the back corner of the room! I guess high school teachers dont make you embarass yourself and for that, I was thankful. I sat between 2 boys (greeeaaat). Ryan & Chris. Ryan seemed to flirt with me & Chris was just shy. Chris ended up having a locker 2 lockers away from mine so we got to know each other better. He was the little country cowboy kid. I adored him. And he eventually became my boyfriend. My heart was broken about 3 months later when he moved away to New Mexico and I never heard from him again! (I did find him on facebook though and we talk still!) I became close friends with a girl in my band class! Amanda! She was the nerdy looking without being so nerdy blonde girl! I loved her! We where really close. I sucked in band but she covered for me and helped me out when she could! The end of my freshman year came and I failed damn near every class I went in there taking. Which was so not like me. I loved school and always got good grades! I was devestated! I then found out that Alaska schools are far more advanced than those in other states. And the high school I was attending was a college prep school! /sigh Things where not on my side!

My sophmore year came around. And things didnt change. I still sucked at my schooling. I just couldnt catch on. The only subject I did really well in was Math. And I rocked at Choir class! :) My best friend Amanda dated my boyfriend that I had that year behind my back. Thus ending our relationship because how does a friend do that. My mom had found out about an Alternative school in the area that helps kids who drop out of school, have kids while in high school, got kicked out, or where druggies!. I was neither of these catagories but we still checked it out because I was failing school still and at that rate, I would never graduate! Thankfully even though that school catered to those kids, after being interviewed and talking to the principal and other teacher, they accepted me and I transferred at mid-semester. And I picked up where I left off without missing a beat. I took some classes correspondence style that I failed in the other school and caught up to where I should have been. I went to Washington D.C. twice and graduated on time! I loved that school more than anything! I was the popular kid at that school, everyone was friendly and got along! It was amazing! People I never thought I would associate with where all friends and got along. The teachers where even more amazing. They worked closely with you and closely monitored you to make sure you where doing what you where supposed to me doing. And if you where loosing track, they went and talked to your counselor right away. The one catch to that high school was that you HAD to be working to go there being as you only went to school for 3 hours or so a day! I went from 9am to 12pm and worked the rest of the day at Arby's. (BEST JOB EVER).

My mom had it easy while I was in high school! She got super lucky. I went to school, went to work, and came home. I did my homework either on break at work or in between classes at school (if we even had homework). Math I taught myself and was the first person to take Trig with Calculus in that school and PASS it with an A! (Dont ask me how to do any of that crap now though cause you will get a dumb look). I didnt party, I didnt drink, smoke, or do any drugs, and I didnt have sex! Yeah, I am the preppy goody-goody I guess you could say. But thats ok. I didnt mind that label, because even though I was labeled as that, everyone still liked me because I was me. I didnt pretend I was better than everyone else like the stuck up snobby people of traditional high schools. And I hope I can raise my daughters to be the same way!

Sorry, I dont have tons of fancy pics to fill this post with...Digital Camera's where not around for me when I was in high school, so I leave you with a scanned photo of my senior prom with my "date"! A friend of mine who never got to go to her prom! And the cool thing about our prom, was that the bowling alley closed down for the night to regular customers so we could go bowling all night long for free after prom! This was everyone's way of keeping us from doing things we shouldnt be doing. So just imagine a bunch of teenagers bowling in prom dresses and tuxedos! TONS OF FUN!

Im in purple!

1st Annual Blog Bash 2010

Brittany Ciara from Not Your Average Teen created this "blog bash" to help bloggers promote their blogs & meet other bloggers and possibly win a few prizes along the way. Since I am "kinda" new to this whole blogging thing, I figured it would probably be a good idea to join in! My blog is no where near as fancy as everyone else's, but it does me just fine! :)









The rules to join in on this are simple! :) You post an intro post about you, answer the 5 questions she lists, and link up! :)

Anyways, My name is Dawn! Im 28 and the mother of 3 kids ages 13, 7, 2 months! Dont do the math on my age versus the 13 year old because it doesnt look good on my end! I would have been 15 years old having him! But that is not the case. I have been dating his dad since I was 18 and his dad is the ONLY person I have ever been with! I have been his momma since he was 3 years old because the "mom" is a deadbeat...but lets not get started on that.

I was born in Florida, Grew up in California & Alaska, but now reside in Wisconsin. Yeah...crazy, I know, but what are ya gonna do! And no, I had no parents in the military at the time of all that moving. I wasted money on an Associates Degree in Business from a school that charges way to much! Its a joke and I hate myself for doing it because I am debted for life! Besides my 3 kids and my boyfriend, my other pride and joy is my little yorkie/shih tzhu named Chloe! She is my "baby"! I love music & photography! I can be a big meanie, but that only comes out when I am provoked to be that way. Otherwise I am sweet & caring! I am one of those people that will help people when they are down regardless of my own situation!

Alright, On to the questions:

1.) Why do you blog?

Blogging gives me a chance to get these thoughts that are in my head out. And if there is things about my kids, its something I can show them when they are older without having notebooks of written things cluttering my house or getting lost or ruined. I have enough crap everywhere! :)

2.) What do you blog about?

Whatever strikes my fancy! Mainly just stuff that has happened to me or catches my attention!

3.) What do you find to be the biggest reward you get from blogging?

Just knowing people are there to listen without judging you. Sometimes its good to have another persons perspective without them "knowing" you so they cant play sides. 

4.) How long have you been blogging?

I actually have been blogging for YEARS! I had a blog on live journal (wonder if its still there) and I used the blogging feature on MySpace too! But because of some heffer, I deleted my myspace and all my blogs. I sooo wish I would have saved all of them! There where a lot of intimate details in there I would have loved to have!

5.) Let's hear the story behind your blog title!

There really isnt a story behind my title. It was something that just popped in my head. 

 

Happy Anniversary

On July 6, 200 I left my home in Alaska (yes, I said Alaska) to travel half way across the United States to meet the guy I met 3 years prior in a talk city chat room. I had only ever seen one picture of him and had only talked on the phone with him for a week straight the week prior to meeting him.

My mom would come home from work and would instantly know if I had talked to him that day or not. I would talk to him for at LEAST 4 hours and she would come home and tell me that I was glowing.

Glowing couldnt begin to describe it.

I had mentioned about how I was going to save some money out of my checks from work to come and visit him! Then one day I got online and he told me to get off the computer because I was going to be getting a phone call. I told him he shouldnt call me anymore for awhile because that was going to be one heck of a phone bill. He insisted it wasnt him. I was confused but logged off the internet (I had dial up) and just as I hit disconnect, the phone rang.

And on the other end was a lady from a local travel agency telling me I had a plane ticket to Wisconsin to pick up! I freaked and called my mom. I told her that in 4 days, I was leaving state. She asked me where I was going, and then I told her. She was excited. I think she then started getting upset that I was leaving because she got excited when I couldnt find my ID, because they wont let you on a plane without identification. She then got upset with my brother when he found my ID.

On the night of the 5th, my parents took me to the airport. My mom was crying and my step-dad tried giving me the guilt trip of a lifetime and blame everything on me. I didnt care, I was running away! I walked on that plane, and I left the life I had known. Expecting to be back before the summer was over.

When I got here, I was scared to get off the plane....I was almost the last person to get off. But I figured I went this far, I might as well suck it up and go. What if this guy was not what he proclaimed to be. You know people do that!! My mom made sure she had his phone number, address, work number & address, description of his car & plate number, and his closest relative's address & phone number! That relative happened to live downstairs from him. Thankfully he was willing to devulge all the info.

As soon as I walked off the plane, I fell in love!! It was seriously love at first sight! As soon as I walked up to him, he grabbed me, gave me the biggest hug, and never let me go!

Needless to say, I never went home! And here we are 10 years later! Those 10 years all havent been the best and we have definatly had our fair share of hell, but what relationship doesnt have it. The amazing thing is that we are still together despite all the drama, and we are happier than I think we have ever been.

Larry, if you ever read this, I want you to know that I adore you and love you like no other. We are not married and people give us crap about that, especially after being together for so long, but I am ok with that. Being with you is all that matters! Thanks for always being there!

As the Sara Evans song goes:

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
And every prayer has been answered
Every dream I've had's come true
Yeah, right here in this moment
Is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

Sleepless Nights

I am a mother of an infant. I am a mother of an infant.

I need to keep repeating that in my head. Especially at 5am when all I really want to do is climb back in bed and sleep because I have been up since 230am! I mean, after all, I am not a good mama when I am sleepy. In fact, I get a little cranky and my paitence is very thin and when you cry endlessly, I wanna just cry with you! Because I am just TIRED! Even though I know all you wanna do is cuddle me and nurse. And nothing brings me sweet joy then seeing your face stare at me as you are nursing! Your beautiful blue eyes just gazing at me as you fill your tiny belly! And then watching your eyes slowly drift off to sleep! I cuddle you for awhile because I know if I was to move you just after you drift to sleep, you would pop your eyes wide open. So then what happens, I close my eyes and lightly sleep as I rock the chair.

But you never fully fall asleep! I think you do this on purpose as to have this quiet cuddle time. But I look at my bed and see your daddy sleeping so comfortably and I long to be laying next to him sleeping too. But you have other plans.

And sometimes I secretly long for you to be sleeping through the night, but then I would miss this. Its a no-win situation.

So please ignore me when I get a little frustrated because I am over-tired. Thank goodness I have your daddy to help me when you get really fussy and I am super tired. He is amazing and your a lucky girl!

Friday Follow

Ok, I am not near as crazy as this crazy bitch, but I love her none the less because she is damn hilarious! And I dont say fuck a lot or let my crazy bitch side show unless I am seriously provoked, but let me tell you it is there. So when it comes Friday, I cant help but link up for her because seriously,


There is a little fucked up crazy bitch in all of us! :)

So link the hell up for Crazy Brunette!

Trying Something New

I am trying digital scrapbooking. Cause I only have 8 bazillion pictures and I do nothing with them. I figured this would give me a fun way to share them plus make me feel like Im actually using my photos! So this is my first one. Nothing fancy but I think its cute!

Happy 6 Weeks Miss V!

Its so hard to believe that my little one is already 6 weeks old! She is growing incredibly to fast!


She is already rolling from her back to her side. SOMETIMES she will get almost to her stomach! She smiled big huge gummy no teeth smiles yesterday instead of those fake gas ones (which are still cute) and every once in awhile she will let out a little coo that isnt a whine or cry! :) If she is on her belly, she tries to scoot! WTF is up with that...she shouldnt be allowed to be trying to scoot at 6 weeks old. Cut it out young lady.


She is weighing 8lbs 13oz and is 21.5 inches. And still has those yummy chubby cheeks! I also have to start putting newborn clothes away because they are starting to get too small! *sad*

 and this one was from last week, but i love it!

Just a quick Thanks

Yeah,  Im gonna get all mushy for a second!

For everyone that responded to my breastfeeding post, I just wanna say thanks! It makes me feel better to know that its ok to question myself and not be so hard on myself for choices I have to make as a mom! Shit, being a mom isnt always a walk in the park -- I dont care what anyone says!

Today I got V some formula, and that little piggy of mine chugged that shit so fast! If I took the bottle out of her mouth she got pissed! I am going to try doing half formula and half breastfeeding this way some of the slack is taken off of my poor body, but yet I dont feel so guilty stopping all those nutrients all together.

So again, thanks for the support! It keeps me from beating myself up too much! :)

Nothing Says Happy 4th like Douche Bag Neighbors!

Every 4th of July my boyfriend and I have a party in my backyard! Mind you, my backyard feels like the size of my living room, but still, we make it happen. I provide the food and soda/water you provide your ass a chair to sit in and your alcohol if you so choose to drink it.

I slave my ass in my house all morning making stuff and then I slave my ass over the grill cooking hamburgers, brats, & hotdogs so that everyone has something to shove in their face. Before I do all this cooking, I slaved my ass outside in humid 90 degree heat putting up screen tents and tarps to keep everyone from roasting in the sun!

Then we throw down in the best white trash city style way we can. And we Rock at doing it too!

But there is always someone that has to rain on the parade right. Because they are fucked up in the head like that and if they aint havin fun, aint no one else havin fun...

While grilling the food, douche bag lady from across the alley's douche bag boyfriend came outside to pick up firecracker papers. (Yes, we set shit off in the middle of our alleys in the middle of the city days before & days after the 4th, because we are awesome) And he is bitching all the while. Seriously these people are effed the hell up! They piss and moan about every little thing...you park your car funny and they are pitching a fit. We are lucky if we can stay up late and talk in our back yards without her calling the damn cops and telling them we are making a ton of racket by having a party. Bitch you aint seen no party!! Well, back to what I was getting too. I was already irritated and cranky from being so hot and V being super fussy that I was kinda in a pissy mood. Her boyfriend is out there picking shit up off the ground mumbling under his breath and mean-mugging me like no ones business. I was watching him through the corner of my sunglasses waiting for his dumbass to say something to me! Then my neighbor that lives next door to me, without even realizing dude was out there, threw a fire cracker over his fence into the ally just as this guy bent over to pick up more stuff. And he jumped so high and hollered, "Who The Fuck Keeps Doing This Shit" and I just giggled! He ran back inside almost immediatly.

Everyone eats, drinks, gets drunk (except me sadly LOL), and has a good time. We are all laughing and cracking jokes, talking, etc. Night falls and 4 drunk guys go in the alley to set off fireworks! One being my drunk boyfriend LOL and these are no little fireworks! LOL These bitches shoot up in the air and everything and make lotsa noise. They where going at it for a few hours that night.

Eventually crazy lady and her d-bag came back outside pissing a fit. "Oh Im just worried because my house insurance dropped me because they didnt like my garage roof!" Boo fuckin wahh! So fix your shit and get off our back. My boyfriend looked at her and said, Whatever, we got a hose out here so stop worrying!

Larry told me that and I simply said, well if you guys didnt act like such douche bags, your asses would be over here partying with us. Heffers. Its the mutha-fuckin 4th of July...what do you THINK is gonna happen. Do you really think that people are not gonna light off fireworks because its against the law in the city.

Get fuckin real! We are grown adults and we all know that rules where made to be broken so long as you dont get caught breaking them!

Friday Follow

Ok so, I found this on Mommywood's blog! I followed her instructions to go to this other blog....and I have to say, I love this bitch! So here I am following her instructions and linking the fuck up!

*and here I thought you should always be "politically correct and sweet" when blogging so people will "like you"! Well what the fuck do I care, I never gave two shits if people liked me or not...I always have just said what I wanted to when I wanted to regardless of what the hell people thought of me.*

So here I am linking the fuck up and following that Crazy Bitch now too cause she is fucking funny! And you should too!

Beating myself when Im down...

Before you read this and go all boob nazi on me, please just shut up if that is your intention. I know there are mom's out there who go all nuts about how breast is best yada yada yada! I am not the person to preach too. I could care less if a baby is eating breastmilk or formula so long as baby is eating and getting nourished...should it REALLY frickin matter? Not really, but there are those boob nazi's out there who think so. If its going to be your intention to bash me after reading my vent/rant, then please click that pretty little red X in the top right corner and be on your merry little way! Thanks!

Anyways...

Im breastfeeding! For the first time ever. I didnt do it with C because I was a pansy ass baby! Selfish! So I commited to doing it with V and I am kicking myself for making this decision because its flipping ridiculous! At least thats how I am feeling anyway!

I am seriously having problems with this! She has been crying a lot. And by a lot I seriously mean A LOT. When she is not screaming, she is nursing and if she's not nursing she is screaming. Like someone just pinched the shit out of her screaming! And it doesnt stop. Nothing I can do will sooth her besides popping a nipple in her mouth! And I have had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH of sitting on my fat ass all day with my damn boob hanging out because this child of mine wants to do nothing but EAT!

So here's where I am having my problem! Is there any valid reason as to why should would be nursing 8 million and 1 times a day? I feel as though she is on my boob (and crying) 22 hours out of the day. When she nurses, she acts like she hasnt had a drop in HOURS and sometimes she will while sucking whine like she is really frustrated, then throw her head back and scream like she is pissed off because not a damn drop is coming out. Then I have to fight to get her back on. Mind you I am already at my wits end because of the non stop screaming. Mylicon is not saving my life anymore! and its irritating me!

I am starting to question if I am producing enough milk. I try squeezing in time to pump, but when I pump, damn near nothing comes out...and they say I should pump till empty and I do that everytime...but i still am not getting anything. I get like 3oz. out of both boobs combined! Frustrating and very discouraging. I mean things have gotten so bad that while at wal-mart last night, I actually looked at the cans of formula on the shelf and ALMOST walked away with one! But I am trying to be so strong about this....but how do I get passed the frustration and fight through! So here I am beating myself up when Im already down...and I am having a hard time picking myself back up!

Tomorrow when I go to wal-greens, I am going to buy some fenugreek and see if that helps my milk supply! I've been told it does wonders so I'm hoping it does wonders for me. The only downside is I am also told that I will start to smell like maple syrup...

Great, Im gonna be a walking breakfast! Smelling like pancakes and squeezing out milk! Ahh Life is Grand!

/sigh