Ball of emotions

Have I ever stated that I hate Christmas?

Well, I do. A Lot.

And I shouldn't.

But this year I can't help but hate it because life hates me and Christmas is materialized it makes me sick.

I shouldn't have to worry how I am going to provide for my children fully. But unfortunately I do. My kids do not go with out, don't get me wrong. They have shelter, food, & clothing. But I can't afford the extra fun things. Then holidays come up like Christmas, and it breaks me down, tears me up, and spits me out unable to fend for myself.

And then I feel guilty. I can't bear the thought of my 9 year old going to school and talking amongst friends about all their amazing goodies and there she is with next to nothing. It makes me feel absolutely terrible. No kid should ever have to go through that. My 14 year old doesn't care at all. He's content with us being together.

I have told my kids that I am unable to provide Christmas this year and they quickly respond, 'Its ok mom, we have family and that's all that we need!' Bless their hearts. My 9 year old daughter told me just tonight, 'Mom don't feel bad about it. You shouldn't. I'm not sad so you shouldn't be either!'

Gosh she is so wise.

This is the first time I have been this broke and unable to do it. It's killing me slowly. I'm on edge. So bad that I had a panic attack at work and had to run into the warehouse to cry.

Why does this have to happen. Why does the economy have to blow so bad. Why can't my kids just have a happy Christmas and everything be ok.

Why can't my life be back to normal! I'm a good person. A good mom. A good friend. Yet my life is turning to hell in a hand basket.

Stop the roller coaster. I want off.

For the record, my kids know and fully understand the true meaning of Christmas. But that doesn't make this situation ANY better.