2011; A Year In Review

As 2011 comes to a close, all I can think of is WOW! What a year that was & please for the love of God and all things Holy, let 2012 be BETTER. Because honestly, I dont think I can handle much more of anything being thrown at my family.

2011 has officially been declared the worst.year.EVER!

Events of 2011 were, but not limited to,
Realized we were going to loose our home
Decided on a place to move to
Looked for a new place to live
Vanessa turned 1
Filed for Branden's egg donor to pay child support
Notified said egg donor of our intentions to move (which she of course had a shit fit about)
Got served papers from again said egg donor that she wanted shared placement of Branden (We figure she was grasping for straws on trying to not let us move---she failed)
Made preparations to move
Said good-bye to our beloved neighbors, friends & family (the ones that matter) in Milwaukee,
Moved our family 3 hours north out of Milwaukee to a much calmer, quieter, safer more relaxed little country town,
Traumatized Vanessa in this move to which she stopped talking
Had court date for above mentioned egg donor in which she was ordered to pay child support starting Nov. 1st. (none of which we have received yet and are getting particularly pissed off about)
Put Vanessa in speech therapy for the above traumatzing even in which she stopped talking.
Ruled out that she was autistic (Thank The Lord)
Rehomed a beloved pet because I cannot afford to keep buying dog food to feed him. Another beloved pet soon to follow possibly unless a miracle happens.
Confessed to myself that I am a horrible mother because I could not provide Christmas for my children.
Got surprised by the bestest friends whom I have never met that live within my computer with an astonishing $400 to go Christmas shopping for my kids.
Kids declared this the best Christmas ever.
Continue to struggle paying bills.

Life has no fairytale ending here, and its not over yet. I am very hopeful that 2012 has tons and tons and tons of more exciting things to offer and turns out to be a better year than 2011.

It can honestly only go up from here right?

Happy New Years Eve!

Cashin in the New Year $190.00 CASH GIVEAWAY #cashinNY OPEN WORLDWIDE

Hostessed by Home Grown Families and Mama to 4 Blessings with the help of several other fantastic group of bloggers we bring you Cashin' in the New Year! This giveaway runs from 12:01 AM on Friday 12/30 and will run until Monday, 1/2 at 11:59 PM (all Eastern times). One winner will receive $190 Cash into their paypal!

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So You Want To Be A Blogger?

Well the good news is, you are not alone!

There are thousands of people out there who blog. I have been blogging since 2002 when I was pregnant with my first daughter. I used livejournal. I stopped after I had her because I was so busy. I wish I wouldn't have stopped.

After awhile when MySpace became popular, I used that to blog on. It was very beneficial when my boyfriend and I where having trouble. It gave me a place to let out my frustrations, clear my head, and make myself feel better. Except I am mad at myself because I deleted my profile in an angry fit. I never saved those postings. I wish I would have. I have a friend that could benefit from those postings right now.

Now, here I am. This blog has been renamed at least 3 times. I am now stuck on Life Unscripted. Because truly, life IS unscripted and we are writing our own story. It seems to be a popular name though because I have a hard time buying a domain name.

My advice is a "seasoned" blogger even though I am still learning, is to find your niche. There are plenty of places to host your blog for free and there's also options for pay hosting your g which can give you more customizing options. I am ok with blogger though. I am not skilled enough for a pay host.

Don't be discouraged if you don't have a following. It takes time. Comment on other blogs often. Eventually someone will follow you back. Remember the saying, if you build it they will come. This sorta thing applies here too.

Never give up. You may get discouraged by not having people commenting but don't let that stop you. Writing is a great way to let go of the emotions in your head. I find it very therapeutic as I suffer from PTSD & depression.

Writing is freeing and you never know, someone else out there may benefit in reading what you have wrote.

Purex Product Review

Got all this in the mail this month for reviewing from Purex! Watch for my review posts possibly with some giveaways. LOVE Purex Crystals.

Wordless Wednesday-My Favorite Christmas Pictures

Refer to my post titled "Friends & Christmas Spirit"

evaluation results (pt 2)

On Wednesday we spoke with Vanessa's therapist about the results of her speech evaluation.

I was nervous going into it. Its always hard to hear results of something major like this. It doesn't help that I am the type of person that always expects the worst of things.

I was still scared of her saying, 'Oops we made a mistake, she is autistic.' I am thankful that was not the case, because honestly, I wouldn't be able to handle it. I know I say that now & then how I would handle it in the future are two different things, but I just don't feel like I could handle something like that right now. I have TOO much on my plate and adding that would make me fall over.

The results stated that Vanessa is 33% delayed in language comprehension and 50% delayed in language expression. Meaning she understands language like a 12 month old and expresses language of a 9 month old.

We made a 6 month goal chart. Vanessa by now SHOULD be saying about 50 words. She cant even say one! :( Every once in awhile I feel like she says a word, but at the same time, I think I am hearing things. So in 6 months, we want her to be able to vocally say 10 words, be able to imitate 3-5 animal sounds, and point to body parts on a doll. I guess identifying body parts on a doll is harder than on yourself. *shrug* I dont know.

They are going to teach her basic sign language for like eat, milk, play, etc. so that it will give her a way to communicate with us so that she will not be frustrated and we wont be frustrated until she is able to speak.

I feel so terrible because she was doing normal baby talk before we moved. She was able to say Mama, Dada, & Baba. Then we moved, and she stopped. I traumatized her. :( It makes me feel like a bad mama. Although the day we had Santa pictures taken, when we came home, Branden had her saying Branden. Thankfully we got it recorded because she hasnt peeped it since!

Here's hoping this works. This is a different path than our oldest daughter so I was freaking when she wasn't talking at all. I am thankful that so far it's minor and fixable. I just hope she engages with the therapist and focuses instead of being normal crabby Vanessa.

Evaluation Results Pt. 1

This afternoon the speech therapist comes back over to discuss the results of Vanessa's evaluation.

I am nervous.

I have no clue why. It's just speech.

I guess it's just knowing that something is wrong, and even though they already told me that they see no other signs of delay or disability, I panic and think thy they were "just saying that".

My biggest fear is autism. I have many friends who have autistic children and my heart breaks for them every time they say something about how their child had a meltdown or is acting out. I know I don't have the patience for that. Well not so much patience. But I just don't think I am that strong.

But hat if there is something more.

Regardless, she is my daughter and I will do whatever I have to do to help her. I will help her succeed and she WILL succeed.

In her own time.

In the mean time, I will have the worst case scenarios running through my head and no matter how much I want them to stop, they won't.

Friends & Christmas Spirit

Way back in 2002 when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I sought pregnancy information online.

It was then I stumbled upon msn chat rooms. It was there I created my own chat room and hosted it constantly with the help of unmentionable people and met A LOT of people.

Some turned out to be men.
Some turned out to be crazy.
Some turned out to be fakes, liars, & trolls.
Some turned out to be real.

Those that were real, turned out to be amazing.

Amazing friends.

I have formed a close bond with them since 2002 and I couldn't imagine life without them.

We have endured lots of adventures together. We have helped each other through premie babies, miscarriages, premature labor, family deaths, and infant loss. We have stuck by each other through thick and thin. We have lost a few a long the way, but only the true ones have hung on.

There were times in the past 9 1/2 years that I didn't get a long with most of these women. What happens when you get a large group of women together? There's bound to be a cat fight and we have had our fair share, but no matter what we have stuck together. I haven't always felt as "in" with them though. Kind of like the little black sheep of the family. An outsider you could say.

After this weekend, I have to say I feel more loved & wanted than ever.

See, these ladies know everything. They are who I go to when I need to talk, cry, vent, anything. And they are always there to pick me up.

They have been with me through my rough patch with Larry. Through my shocking and totally unexpected pregnancy with Vanessa. Custody battles with Branden's egg donor. Our places of employment shutting down Loosing our house to foreclosure and having to move away and leave it behind. And this year not having money to give my kids a Christmas. They have been there by my side. Some even going through similar situations.

Friday we took Branden to meet with his grandparents for their Christmas at another family members house. Then I went back to my BFFs house because we had plans to go do some stuff.

Upon arriving at her house I was confused when her husband stood and started recording a video with her cell
Phone and she kneeled in front of me.

With her first line of words I cried. She told me how everyone knew we were going through a rough time and that we didn't have the extra money for Christmas. My wonderful group of friends all got together and pitched in and pooled together $400 for us to shop for our kids.

These are women I have NEVER met. Except for my friend who presented this to me.

I. Was. Floored.

I never thought anyone payed attention to me. I never thought they really cared. And I never would have thought they would have done something like this for me. Me of all people.

I still have no words. There are not enough thank you's in the world to express my true thanks.

I will be forever thankful for this. And it goes down as a Christmas to remember. Thanks to you, my spirits have been lifted and my kids will be amazed.

I love each and every one of you and your friendship is one I hold dear.

People should be jealous of our group. We are pretty amazing.

Therapy Evaluation

Vanessa had her therapy evaluation today and it went pretty good. She was evaluated by someone from the state of Wisconsin and the therapist that will be working with her. They asked me some questions about what she could or couldn't do. They watched Vanessa do things around the house and I was shocked to see that Vanessa was actually kind of interacting with the therapist. She usually does not interact with anyone that she knows.

It was hard to answer those questions though because I had to say no to a lot of things. Does she imitate sounds? Does she make animal noises? Can she make vowel sounds? Does she say any words? Can she identify parts of her body? Can she find something if you ask her to get it? Does she follow simple direction? etc. She DOES follow simple direction but anything that goes along with communication is a big fat zero. They told me that she has no signs of any disability except for the speech.

I know a lot of her problems is because she cant communicate and when she cant talk to us, she gets SO upset and thats when she has her meltdowns. When it gets to that point, most times it is to late and nothing will make her happy.

It was hard at the end when they told me that Vanessa qualifies for the program. I knew she would but they told me in order to qualify for the program the child has to be 25% delayed for their age. Vanessa is 50% delayed for her age. So since she is 18 months old, her adjusted age is 9 months for her speech. I dont remember if that includes anything else or what exactly she called it because when she said 9 months old, my heart sank.

I dont know why I am taking this so hard. I dont know why I am letting it bother me so much. I know every child is different but I simply cannot stop comparing her to Courtney and when she wasnt meeting all her milestones, I just kept obsessing over what was wrong with my baby. Why is she not doing all these things that should be doing at her age. Why is she not talking? By now, Courtney was a motor mouth and doing tons of things.

Not this one.

So when I keep comparing, I keep thinking what is wrong with my baby.

So now, next week they come back to go over the evaluations with me and explain to me everything and detail exactly what they will work with her on. Then in January she will start the actual therapy.

I just hope this works and I hope that speech is the only problem. This girl has already given me run for my money. And I dont like having this extra added stress.

I have enough on my plate.

Things gotta get Better

I keep breaking down at work. It's always work. Never at home where I see my kids.

But instead at work. I think it's because I hear the Christmas music for 7 hours and I have time to think.

Time to think what a horrible mother I am for not being able to buy my kids ONE FREAKING thing for Christmas. What kind of parent let's that happen! Gosh if I didn't feel like a failure before, I feel like one now.

I used to love Christmas. I used to love shopping ad buying all sorts of things for my kids but it's just not the same anymore. Ever since Larry's work closed, money has been tight. It sucks. And then with having to move because of the house. /sigh

The more I think about it all the more I get sad.

My kids don't care at all. Vanessa is too young to know the difference. For all this I am thankful.

We went to see Santa this past weekend. My son told Santa he just wants to see his sisters happy on Christmas morning. Seriously!? How have I raised such an amazing boy. My heart swells.

So while your shopping, grab a toy an drop it in a toys for tots bin. It doesn't have to be anything fancy but that ONE toy will mean the world to a child in need.

I never thought in a million years that my life would be on this path. But in the end our family will be better because of it. And once things do get better, we will have a better appreciation of what we have in our possession.

Love One Another!

What Would You Do?

Up until a few years ago, I had no clue who my bioglogical father was. I hated that. I wanted to know he was, what he looked like, and WHY he was not in my life.

I grew up in a home where the "father" who raised my was abusive. Both physically & mentally. Unfortuantly those actions have affected me in my adult life. Because of it, I suffer from PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Its no fun to deal with and it is definatley no fun to have traumatic events affect you in your adult life.

After I turned 18, I spent a lot of time searching. I only knew his name & I knew he was in the Navy. I had spent hours white page searching, googling, calling peoples houses asking questions, etc. I contacted the Navy. They told me they couldnt search without some ID number.

Everytime it turned up nothing. Everytime I cried. Everytime I lost a little more hope.

So, like I said, I didnt know anything about him until a few years ago. I hated watching shows where families were reunited and such. They made my ball my eyes out and I would cry for hours.

Cue ABC's show "find my family". I swore I was not going to watch it but that first preimer episode, I was glued to the TV & I watched.

I cried.

I got angry.

My boyfriend looked at me (Bless his heart) and said, why dont you go to the computer and print out an application for the show. He knew how much I wanted to find my real dad.

So I did. I went into the basement where we had our computer and I proceeded to print out the 13 page application and started to fill it out.

They asked questions about his name, birthday, family members, etc. Well when I got to the part about sibling names, I searched for the letter my mom had written me previously that had information on him about it. His name, his birthday, mothers name, siblings name. All the info I needed.

As I was writing my Aunt's name, I thought. 'Wait, I have never searched HER name'. So nervously I logged into my facebook page and typed in her name in the search box.

1 result popped up.

My heart started to race.

I remember my mom telling me that I had a resemblance to her. I anxiously stared at her picture trying to see a resemblance but her picture was small and was taken from a distance so I couldnt tell. The most I could see was that we both had brown hair.

I clicked on the 'message' box. and stared at the screen. Nervous. What do I say? What if she responds? What if she IS my aunt?

I started to type.

'Hello, you dont know me, but do you have a brother by the name of ----------?'

Hit Send.

The next day, while at work, a message came to my phone. Because at that time I wasnt cool enough to have a smart phone and had to do everything from facebook by text.

It was from her. She said, yes I do. Why do you ask?

PANIC! Oh My Gosh! Could this be...

I called my mom crying. She said ok, here is what you do. Message her back and say that you're my daughter & I went to school with her and that I was looking for her and leave my email or phone number and have her contact me.

So I did.

A few hours later she responded and said something along the lines of I remember her but I didnt go to school with her. Then she said I will email her.

Then a couple minutes later she said WAIT A MINUTE. I remember she had a child with my brother. So if you are her daughter then........YOU ARE MY NEICE!

I. About. Died.

FINALLY after all these years, I have a way to contact.

So, now I am in contact with my biological father.

Except, all those questions I had, quickly vanished. This dream I had of meeting him and talking to him and having this amazing relationship. Gone.

I am terrible. Now that I know he exists and I have a way of talking to him, I dont want to. My mom & my boyfriend push me to talk to him more. But I cant? I dont know why, but I just cant.

How do I make this work. How do I let myself open up.

How do I talk?

What would YOU do?

Life is too short...

In 1996 I moved from California to Alaska. I dont know what in the hell my parents were thinking when they brainstormed THAT genious idea. But I had no control over it.

I left behind all my friends that I went to school with since Kindergarten. I hated them for that. It took a long time for me to get over the fact that they took me away from them.

I also left behind my family. 2 grandmas, a grandpa, a guy who was like my grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins. All to go 3,000 miles away..

By the time I graduated high school in 2000, My grandma, grandpa, an aunt and 2 cousins had moved to Alaska. They came just in time to watch me graduate high school. I loved them for that. Sadly about a month later, I left Alaska for Wisconsin and never looked back.

5 years ago my grandmother that was left in California passed away. Days before she passed away, I thought Gosh I really need to call her but I never did. I kept forgetting or getting sidetracked and Grandma never got that phone call. A few days later, she died. I cried and cried. I didnt call Grandma as much as she deserved & I never got to tell her I loved her.

Her boyfriend and my aunt stayed in her house  for a few years. Eventually they moved out. My aunt went to Texas & her boyfriend went to Florida. I dont talk to them at all.

Yesterday was her boyfriends birthday. Unfortuantely, he spent it in Heaven. He passed away from cancer the sunday after Thanksgiving. On a good note, he got to spend it with my Grandma, his love he never forgot about. I called my mom to see if she had heard. She said yes and she said its funny because I was thinking, I need to call him because his birthday is soon. But guess what, it was too late.

Go figure. We both had the  same feelings, but never acted on them.

Life is too short. Its taken for granted way too much. I wish I made that call everyday. And now my mom will.

My advice, when you get the feeling that you need to call someone, do it.

You never know when your last chance will be.

Ball of emotions

Have I ever stated that I hate Christmas?

Well, I do. A Lot.

And I shouldn't.

But this year I can't help but hate it because life hates me and Christmas is materialized it makes me sick.

I shouldn't have to worry how I am going to provide for my children fully. But unfortunately I do. My kids do not go with out, don't get me wrong. They have shelter, food, & clothing. But I can't afford the extra fun things. Then holidays come up like Christmas, and it breaks me down, tears me up, and spits me out unable to fend for myself.

And then I feel guilty. I can't bear the thought of my 9 year old going to school and talking amongst friends about all their amazing goodies and there she is with next to nothing. It makes me feel absolutely terrible. No kid should ever have to go through that. My 14 year old doesn't care at all. He's content with us being together.

I have told my kids that I am unable to provide Christmas this year and they quickly respond, 'Its ok mom, we have family and that's all that we need!' Bless their hearts. My 9 year old daughter told me just tonight, 'Mom don't feel bad about it. You shouldn't. I'm not sad so you shouldn't be either!'

Gosh she is so wise.

This is the first time I have been this broke and unable to do it. It's killing me slowly. I'm on edge. So bad that I had a panic attack at work and had to run into the warehouse to cry.

Why does this have to happen. Why does the economy have to blow so bad. Why can't my kids just have a happy Christmas and everything be ok.

Why can't my life be back to normal! I'm a good person. A good mom. A good friend. Yet my life is turning to hell in a hand basket.

Stop the roller coaster. I want off.

For the record, my kids know and fully understand the true meaning of Christmas. But that doesn't make this situation ANY better.

Review Opportunity!!

Mama is Sweeping is looking for bloggers to review candles for Diamond Candles.

I love candles. Hook this mama up!!

CLICK HERE

Friends

I'm a good friend.

I am the type of friend that is dedicated an honest and true and no matter what I am there. Anytime.

Close together or miles apart, I am a good friend.

I think everyone deserves to have at LEAST one good girlfriend. One that you can tell all your secrets too and no matter what they would never divulge. One that will come over and hang out and watch movies and sip wine. Take you out and have fun with you. Most importantly one to be there to pick you up when your down.

I understand life happens. And things happen and those things can cause a gap on your friendship.

It bothers be that some people can be so blahzay (sp?) about friends and treat them almost as if they are disposable or use them when it's convenient. It just bothers me and makes me sad.

Maybe I am over reacting but it just hurts me when I try my hardest to be there 100% for my friends and I am treated like I am disposable.

I don't know, maybe it's just me. :(